31 things I learnt in my 31st year
Me in August 2019
It’s been a fucker of a year. For me and for lots of people.
I’m 32 this week and I was reflecting on where I was back in August 2019 and all the things that have moved me, for better or worse, internally and externally, and what I’ve learnt from them.
I thought I’d share some of them with you, because they were useful to me.
1.There is still a little girl inside of you that needs tenderness, acceptance and acknowledgement - ignore her at your peril and she will derail your life- but give her gentle attention and she will teach you how to love better than anyone or anything else.
2.There’s no place to get to and you’re not on anyone else’s schedule. It takes as long as it takes, so be light with yourself on your journey, and laugh when you can.
3.There’s no shame in a relationship breaking down. In fact there’s no such thing as a failed relationship. All connections help us grow, sometimes particularly the painful ones.
4. A trigger is a place where a shit load of your personal power is hiding. Be happy when you find a new one, because you get free there and you get a load of life force back.
5. Summon the courage to say no to things that don’t agree with your soul. Even if it takes you a while to do so. The cost to try and go back to sleep and continue on when something inside you knows it’s not right is extraordinarily high.
6. Denying your anger, despair, hopelessness and all the other gritty parts of humanity is not the route to becoming a ‘better person’. There is no ‘better person’ - there is only a whole you.
7. Sitting with unresolved things will be at times like living with a lit match under your chin. But if you can learn how to wait, things will resolve themselves much more effectively without you rushing in to fix situations into an even fatter confused mess because you can’t stand the tension.
8.Things do not have to be one way or another. They can be both. You are not a fairy who can only hold one emotion in her body at any one time. It is possible to love and be hurt and be afraid and be courageous all in the same breath.
9.Any character ‘defects’ you feel you have are usually just defence mechanisms that have outgrown their sell by date. Most parts of yourself that you don’t like, or that feel painful, were at one point protection mechanisms when you didn’t feel like you had other resources.
10. Things do not have to be one way or another. They can be both. You are not a fairy who can only hold one emotion in her body at any one time. It is possible to love and be hurt and be afraid and be courageous all in the same breath.
11. When a difficult experience arises the tendency is to contract around it. Whether it’s a difficult feeling and you want to tense and get all tight about it, or something you’re anxious about and all you think about. But actually if you can expand and make your world big enough to hold it, it gets easier.
12. A wise woman told me ‘things can fall apart but you don’t have to.’ It’s true.
13. Hold onto what you know. You don’t know everything but you do know some things, and those are enough most of the time.
14. Beware of spiritual bypass. Particularly the one that hides dependency and fear of speaking up and calls it ‘surrender’. Nope. Being assertive is important.
15. Intimacy is both terrifying for you and what you most want. Go slow and be patient with the parts of you that haven’t seen sunlight for some time. it is a lifetime’s work to become intimate with oneself.
16. There is always someone who has gone through what you are going through and made it through the other side. Have the courage to share your experience so you can find them. And when the time comes do the same for the person behind you.
17. People will judge you. You do not have to be afraid of that. It is not a comment on the state of your soul but just rather where they are currently.
18. There is a difference between judgement and discernment. Judgement is about the limits of someone’s understanding. Discernment is about understanding limits.
19. You do not ‘owe’ anyone anything, least of all your time, energy or love when to do so would compromise your wellbeing.
20. Sometimes being stuck is part of the process. We all get in the pool differently, and sometimes the process of getting in involves a lot of standing at the side looking at the water.
21. You will only feel lonely when you are disconnected from your own inherent goodness, made of the same stuff as the sky and the sea and the stars. If people seem too much right now, go sit with your back against the tree and feel your place in the universe. You didn’t make yourself, you can’t possibly be wrong.
22. Sobbing in public is very much OK.
23. Do not waste your life believing you are not loved.
24. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Give yourself permission to clean them up.
25. Miracles happen all the time. The miraculous is everywhere. You know this. Don’t forget it.
26. There is always a way through.
27. Listen to people. Know that good counsel doesn’t always arrive in likely-looking packages.
28. There is no shame in being wounded. Vulnerability is part of humanity. Claim it.
29. The world turns on a fucking dime. It’s probably not worth getting het up about what you think might happen because you don’t know. And it might actually be neither good nor bad, just different.
30. Forcing yourself or other people is a good way to start a war.
31. Being a human is hard. Just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.
Me in 2020. Fuck me man, that was a year.
sd