Seven unexpected things I learnt from my clients

It’s been seven years since I started my coaching business, and I I thought it would be  a good moment to reflect on seven things I did not expect to learn from working with people in that time.

Working with others means you are on your own healing journey all the time

One thing I naively did not imagine when I began is quite how much deeper I would be called to go on my own healing journey. It’s inevitable, really, when you are immersed in it all the time, but also necessary to meet clients effectively where they are at.

I also, frankly, did not realise quite how much of myself still needed love. Working with people shows you where your relational skillset is lacking or you still have unhealed material. It’s not a problem but it’s humbling.

I enjoy complex

Sometimes people worry about being ‘too much’ but intelligent, complex people have intelligent complex defences and feelings associated with that. I like stretching to meet their needs. There is a professional skill to meeting clients like that, and I take pride in continuing to adapt so I can expand there. If this sounds goody two-shoes, it’s probably worth adding, I am also a complex client for my own practitioners and I don’t hold back in offering them that chance to stretch their own skills either.

It is vulnerable

There’s a hidden vulnerability to helping.  Letting yourself be available and impacted by another is vulnerable. I know it’s vulnerable to be on the other end too, so not discounting that either.

However the more I can have the vulnerability of my heart in the room, the better my client work is. Does that mean I sometimes get my feelings hurt? Absolutely. Do I still love the work I do? Tremendously.

I did not expect to care about my clients so much

There is a specific kind of love that happens inside a coaching container, which counselling pioneer Karl Rodgers called ‘unconditional positive regard’ which sounds a bit less touchy-feely, but does the job. For the time you are working with people, you commit to that kind of unconditional relating and seeing through the eyes of the heart, as well as the head. I am often spiritually moved. There is a huge amount of joy in this work, and I still laugh at jokes my clients have made in sessions or wry observations they have had about their own process.

People really struggle to feel their feelings

I am now at a place of ease with people having big emotional releases in sessions or between sessions and feeling like ‘something is wrong’ because these feelings are coming to the surface. I have come to the conclusion that essentially, we all struggle with feelings, and live in a society where we don’t know how to respond to our own emotions or those of others.  I also now know that the best way through feelings is to keep adding safety and reassurance so they can move and release and you can feel the calm and clarity that comes after a storm. The best recipe for presence? Just keep adding safety and it will arrive on its own.

I still hate making mistakes

Oh god, I hated making mistakes when I was a journalist and I still hate it. You show up with the best of intentions but you get it wrong for people or you miss something or you allow your own stuff to get in the way. There’s a lot of humanity in allowing for that, compassionately attending to the mistake and repairing it when you need to, but I still hate it. It feels that much worse when there’s vulnerability involved. I can get hijacked by that idea of ‘should know better’ or a shame-based fear of ‘Did I cause harm!’

I am learning all the time; I look back and think ‘oh my god I wouldn’t do that now’, even in cases where a client was completely happy with the service they were receiving at the time.  It’s OK that I see where I could have done better – it really means improvement, but it is galling too.

I have had to learn how to be ok with people thinking I am no good.

This job asks you to validate your own worth first, and not depend on positive feedback to feel worthy. People challenge your service, your prices, wanting to stay in control whilst simultaneously wanting to let go, demanding fast results whilst also screaming to slow down. You’re triggering them or you’re not triggering them enough. People want you to be unassailably right whilst also needing to be critical too.

Sometimes I get the blame for things that aren’t my fault and people in difficulty can often be difficult. To a certain extent, that’s their right here and it’s my job to hold them to through that. Sometimes amid frustration there’s miscommunications and untangling these requires mastery. Mastery that is unlikely to be recognised, but is still part of the job.

Why I love it

The reason I love doing this, is because I am genuinely curious about others, and it’s one of my life’s longings to refine the skill of being unconditionally present and loving with people. It’s wonderful to be part of people’s process of change and even if it’s for a short time, help them navigate external transitions or their own internal world. I don’t know a quicker way to be put in touch with the magic of life and living, hope and possibility. Thank you to all my clients, your courage and willingness to move towards what you desire have made my life more meaningful.