On coming back to life...

There's an art form to coming back to life, to the surface, from survival to sustainable. Divers know this and so does any doctor or vet that has treated a malnourished child, person or creature.

Because these starved, contracted or inhospitable states are so unnatural, the tendency is to think that it's best to speed up recovery, to ladle things on. The Roman Historian Flavius Josephus writing in the first century described how the survivors of the siege of Jerusalem that overindulged in food after the famine died, while those who ate at a more restrained pace survived. This is thought to be an example of what is now called 'refeeding syndrome' - when the body reacts in a very stressed way to being fed too much, too quickly after a period of starvation or illness.

In the same way, divers have to come back to the surface at a certain pace, or they risk getting the bends, as their bodies struggle to release the excess nitrogen in a way that doesn't take the body out.

Change happens at a speed the body can cope with. It's as easy to get overwhelmed by 'good' as overwhelmed by bad. Coming out of lockdown might be harder than going in. Recovery might feel more painful than being in a shitty pattern. Opening your heart might be more agonising than shutting it. All the crappy beliefs falling out your system might feel like acute hurt, like when a thorn makes a lot of pain as a leaves your foot and then it's clear and fresh and better.

I tend to hate contraction, because I find expansion so hard afterwards - feeling the blood come back into your tight muscles as they unknot and release during a massage can be painful sometimes. Recognising your survival status can be humbling and disorientating as you move into a different state. Finally getting food, of getting your needs met can put you in touch with the pain of how long you were starving, of how tight you were, of how bad it really was. Having company can make you recognise how lonely you were. And all of those things can trigger shame if you think there is anything about that isn't human, or that isn't acceptable or makes you less than worthy of being here.

Go easy if you find yourself here. Know that people have been here before and will be here after you. Know that there are people who will hold you, even if you haven't found them yet. Know that there's courage inherent in stepping forward. Know that falling over is an absolute prerequsite of taking risks in your life. Know that getting back up is what humans have been doing for milleniums and it's actually how we learn to walk (walking after all, is just falling skillfully, with each step). Know that every season of your life can call on you to develop qualities that bring you closer to yourself.