I wish, when I was growing up, that the people around me had been able to ask for the help they needed

I grew up around people who didn’t like asking for help. It wasn’t within their make up.  It was either a DIY job or it wasn’t a problem.

Although there are always understandable reasons why people pick up these protective ways of operating, there’s also a cost associated.

In retrospect, I see how we were less resourced than we needed to be in certain places, because there wasn’t enough knowledge sharing, different perspectives, or outside support.

I carried the cost too. I repeated these patterns, and became an adult that had to learn that I had needs, one of which was help from other people, and had to learn and relearn how and who to ask for it, that help is available, that asking for help is a legitimate way to solve a problem, that it’s not shameful to want or need it, and does not have to involve shady power struggles or feeling indebted.

This is a collective pattern and I am not unusual.

Fresh energy

We can’t be expected to know everything. We grow up and need to continue to learn as we meet new challenges. Especially I think, at this moment, when so many of the circumstances we face are new collectively, not just personally.

But crucially, and this is the point I want to make, getting support for ourselves actually benefits everyone who comes into contact with us. Not only because we can teach them new things, but because we are now more resourced, we have more capacity, because we are not having to hold everything on our own, and we know we have help. Even if we don’t need to use it. It’s there as a resource for us.

And it’s not just about being gifted information, or the knowledge we need, but the beauty of talking with other people is that they help put us in touch with our own inner resources, we get ideas in connection, or we find ourselves recognising what we already knew but forgot we did.

We are a collaborative species

One of the reasons humans have evolved to be such a dominant species on this planet is because we are collaborative. You may have had earlier experiences, that, a bit like mine did, prepared you to be creative, pioneering, an independent thinker, and determinedly self-taught.

These traits can be so valuable, AND truly, we benefit ourselves and our loved ones when we start thinking about how to resource ourselves by letting other people and places support us too. Past a certain point, doing it all yourself is stale and creates a closed system and an overwhelmed nervous system.

Asking for help is a skill, so it’s OK to find it tough at first and make mistakes and feel sheepish. Or even to go the other way and be dogmatically combative or entitled and dismissive. It takes practice both to ask and to receive. Now the initial shame has rubbed off, I actually see it as an art form. This ability to be in touch with what we want or need and to reach out to the right person or network or organisation and receive whatever clarity, answers or nourishment we desire. To communicate there smoothly, without falling into embarrasment or impatience, and to take what works and leave the rest.

And there’s an added bonus too, in that I know the people around me will benefit from this too.

Interested in coaching? Pop me a dm on twitter, instagram or facebook (@felicitymorse) or email at felicitymorsecoaching@gmail.com and I can talk you through how it works and see if it’s a fit. It’s revealing, fun, restorative, buoyant and it works.