Five personal development lessons we could take away from the Tory leadership campaign
Sometimes I ask clients “what’s the emotional weather like today?”
If I was to apply this to the political climate, the answer might involve a description of some kind of Mordor-like terrain, a scorching wind raging an across a black volcanic landscape.
Amidst the agonised howl of the gale, we might catch a glimpse of a figure on the horizon. This person might appear to be completely on fire, wearing a blindfold and stumbling towards a river of molten lava commanding “Just think positive!”
To some degree, it’s only really fun being a political spectator right now if you enjoy watching things burn. Which has an odd synchronicity, given that as our new Prime Minister comes to power, the mercury is forecast to reach 39 degrees in London, the hottest day ever recorded in the capital.
I’ve heard Hell is lovely at this time of year
In a bid to stem any ominous fears that the jaws of Hades are indeed opening, (though I make no promises) I thought I’d look at what constructive conclusions we could take from politics right now.
It’s easy to feel powerless in the wake of these things, but I’ve always believed that we have far more impact than we realise - in particular when it comes to our own development. And in turn, that development has the power to impact others - people see us and draw closer.
If the consciousness of the nation increases, then so will the system change to support that consciousness. And by consciousness, I mean awareness - of ourselves, our impact and the interconnected nature of the world around us.
Unfortunately, with all this negative energy flying around, it’s easy to get hijacked and pulled back into unconsciousness again. And by unconsciousness, I mean reactive and unaware of our own power to change and how we are related to others. We only see difference and separation everywhere.
Blind positivity without engaging with reality is nonsense, but I acknowledge I too possess a huge dollop of Pollyannaish optimism at times; not least in hoping there is a group of people large enough to still be able to engage in politics and be interested in personal development and in reading this post.
For that select group of hardy warriors, some reflections on the personal development lessons we could take away from the Tory leadership race:
Just me who hears the Darth Vader theme tune when they see this?
Please give up your imposter syndrome, for all of us
Imposter syndrome - feeling like a fraud, that any success is luck, there’s no point in aiming higher, and living in fear of being exposed for our incompetence at any point, is something that a lot of us suffer from.
If you have the voice - “who am I to do this/want this/try this/follow my dream?” - or any other version of “I’m not good enough” or “other people are more qualified/deserving than me” then I am talking to you.
Please goodness, look around you now and ask who are you NOT to do this? The world needs you.If you have anything, a crumb to offer, that can help this hungry world, hell, even the person next to you, then don’t let false pride hold you back. Willingness to serve is all you need. It’s not about you.
Shine your light bright enough and high enough so those who also want to share their light with the world can find you
None of us know how to do something new until we’ve done it. We don’t need to live life seeking to disprove our own brilliance. We are not a science experiment. Some belief is required. Or even a willingness to stop disbelieving. That is enough.
“This campaign has shown mistakes are not the end of us, unless we let them be”
Arguably many of the leadership candidates were not remotely ‘qualified’ in the way many of us would feel was fitting for a leader.
Mistakes, both personally and professionally, were extremely clear for all to see. I hope from this, some of us can takeaway from this that we don’t need to be perfect to offer our services to the world.
Shaming doesn’t work if you refuse to be shamed
Some of these candidates have exemplified in part something I mention in coaching quite a lot -that often people take their lead on how to react to you from you.
So if you don’t give a shit, neither will they. How you relate to yourself shows people how you want them to relate to you.
People take their lead on how to react on you, based on how you react to yourself
If you act or convey energetically that you are ashamed of your behaviour - people will feel that shame and assume it is shameful. If you don’t, they follow too - or rather they may pause and second guess their judgement, for a moment (not always, some obvious caveats here)
NB: This does not mean I think we should all act like pricks and pretend we haven’t. It does mean if we can adjust our relationship with ourselves then often we our relationship with others is also adjusted.
Shame won’t survive a ‘me too’ - we have to be the WORST IN THE WORLD - which gets punctured when we realise that someone else went there too - and survived. Shame needs difference.
So for all the criticism of these candidates, what these seemingly shameless personalities show us is that shame loses its power if we refused to be shamed.
What these people also show us is that we have to stop relying on public shame as a way of controlling or regulating people. Loudly shouting at people that they are wrong and should be ashamed of themselves doesn’t necessarily work. It’s a bit basic. Will get ya some retweets though, if you’re into that. (I am in fact into that too, just not at any cost)
Do you love isolating? Meet the shame cave - we don’t have to go hide here.
Because if you refuse to be shamed you can hack the psychology and basically be rewarded for the extra publicity. You even look strong. People envy you for your seeming powerful freedom to say what you want. Not naming any names, but we have ended up with some people in rather prominent positions across the media because of this
What this also means is we probably need to know this and stop being dicks to people who apologise and make obvious amends - and create the conditions where people can change their minds.
And, if we want to stop being a culture of shame, which people can exploit, we need to start labelling and naming behaviour rather than people. (I am writing some of these as notes to self!)
One very important point that I think we can take away from these candidates too is that whether or not you feel shame is not necessarily related to whether you have objectively done anything worth apologising over. Just because you feel shame doesn’t mean you have done something you need to apologise for - just as not feeling shame doesn’t mean there isn’t something you could make an amend for.
We could all afford to get a little more comfortable with not knowing
There’s nothing more soothing than certainty about the future . And if we can’t access it in ourselves, then second best is someone who claims to have it. Opinions are masquerading as facts these days, and woe betide anyone who doesn’t have an opinion. As soon as something happens, we are expected to have an opinion about it. Anything else is WEAKNESS, yet the hot takes are so hot now they are setting things on fire.
We’ve seen a lot of that in this campaign. There have been some wonderfully definite answers about what the future contains, particularly regarding our exit from the EU.
Unfortunately, settling for certainty is a thin plaster over our own discomfort, and only invites more drama. Because someone with all the answers is either outright dishonest, or in denial about their own ability to control the world.
‘Just having a low-key discussion on Twitter darling’
I’m all for plans, visions and good intentions, but let’s not forget the reality of existence. I like what Mark Nepo says in Seven Thousand Ways to Listen - “Planning is a form of guessing that makes us feel better as we enter the unknown. For sure it always helps to see what’s before us and around us and within us. But fear makes us puzzle this information into a picture of what will happen that often hardens into an expectation.”
He goes on to come to the same conclusion that I teach in coaching and that is often quoted in 12 step fellowships: all we need to know is the next right step.
So often we all are so focussed on wanting to know exactly how we will get there and what we will get when we get there that we either give up our goal, because we can’t see the ‘how’ all the way through, and become paralysed by our own inability to predict the future when we think we should. Or we have a rigid plan that refuses to take into account the many moving parts and following our dream becomes a joyless means to an end that doesn’t actually fit best what is needed.
Many things are possible. We can’t know all of them. And that’s OK. We don’t need to know it all right now. Sometimes we have to trust. That requires a certain level of humility however. For both the person who takes the risk and says ‘I don’t know’ and the person listening to accept that.
Vulnerability is still something we struggle with
Vulnerability is a big buzzword in personal development, thanks in part to the wonderful Brene Brown, who speaks about the healing power of being vulnerable.
Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.
– Brené Brown
Needless to say, there’s not been a lot of genuine vulnerability shown in this campaign. Rory Stewart probably got the closest with his street walking non-selfie selfie videos. It seems that it still isn’t mainstream to appreciate the courage and power it takes to be consciously vulnerable.
It takes incredible character, incredible strength to choose to take the risk to say the thing or show part of ourselves that is true and real and vulnerable - to know that we can survive without the approval of another, to hope and wish and believe in connection over self preservation.
We are still doing performances of authenticity, like the ludicrous drug admissions.
When we hitch our identity to certain ideas we risk becoming a slave to them
When we make part of who we are dependent, or particularly attached, to any concept outside of us, we make ourselves vulnerable (in not a good way) because we risk putting ourselves in a position where we need to defend that concept to the death.
Essentially we are defending our sense of self - our identity is under threat.
And things change - they are fluid - and if we are compelled to defend that initial structure for our idea of ourselves to ‘survive’ we end up arguing for things that don’t make sense.
During this campaign, I’ve seen very sensible people rationally defend certain activities and behaviours, when the words or activity were essentially obnoxious or unhelpful.
It would seem from the outside that the only reason for doing so was based on the idea that ‘their side’ did it.
I’ve actually just put this picture in to break up the text. But feel free to apply meaning to it.
When we identify ourselves absolutely with a certain position, role, person, or belief, we are forced to make ourselves rigid, defensive and blind to new information, and expend a lot of energy ineffectually going against the flow of reality, and making decisions in defence of the form, rather than what is.
Pain helps us grow if we let it
It can feel somewhat despairing right now, but the major growth and change that I see happen in my own life and in other people’s is when they are willing to face and acknowledge the pain, that something isn’t working, and take steps to turn things around.
And it can be like turning an oil tanker around at times - but with patient persistence, eventually the direction changes. I don’t think we need more anger, blame, or fear to help change this - I feel like if that was enough, things would be good right now. I think we need a little more of the other stuff - love. Not a weak colluding love, that puts up with nonsense and insanity, or that turns away from the reality of things, but a love that believes in better.
And if we start at home, with choices and awareness about how we relate to ourselves and others, both online and offline, then maybe things will start to shift.